“So what can we do? Well, it is no secret that slowness remembers and hurry forgets; that softness remembers and hardness forgets; that surrender remembers and fear forgets.
So I am here, slowing down, trying to stay soft, to remember to allow my wisdom heart self to inhabit my Being rather than my “manager” part. To surrender to the nothing special that my life seems to be. There is so little time in life, it seems, from the perspective of working single parent, managing a home and yard, dealing with loss, with the demon of procrastination as a home office worker, with a heart full of longing for what isn’t. The road to efficiency seems long and steep. I fritter my time away on phone calls, on need-driven emotional spaces and compulsions, wanting to be fed by things that perhaps ultimately aren’t feeding me. Perhaps the real wisdom to be applied is to slow down and stop chasing the dream of the life I think I want, and that I think has abandoned me, and to open my Presence to the life I have. As much as it scares me – this emptiness, this no one needing me-ness. (Except my daughter.) This “why am I even on the planet?-ness.”
Last night there was a great event of Rumi and other mystical poetry recitation (to live music) that I was fortunate to attend. In one poem, Rumi suggested we eliminate from our vocabulary the words Why, How, and Impossible. I like this. In a way it relates back to Khidr’s exhortation, that we simply accept what we are given (or not given). But the third banished word, Impossible, offers a crack of hope. I can too easily feel hopeless at times when I sift through the evidence at hand, continue to see my hopes and intentions not yet manifesting. But perhaps I’m looking at the wrong thing. Perhaps, it’s as the poet Juan Jimenez says in his poem, Oceans:
I have a feeling that my boat
down there in the depths,
against a great thing.
And nothing happens!
Nothing … Silence … Waves. — Nothing happens? Or
Has everything happened,
and we are standing now, quietly,
in the new life?
If I were required to make it up, to describe this new life, post-marriage, post-nuclear family, post-ties with family of origin, pre-work that I love, post- and pre-community, what could it be? What is this life right now, this liminal time that goes on, and on…asking that I keep diving in, keep presencing, keep accepting? It is a time of deep diving, it is a life of learning to be real and revealed more and more, of learning how to read the strokes of love, whether given or received, in new and subtle ways. A life of giving in order to receive, of learning to BE the wine I thirst for. Of discovering that experience is always on offer, regardless of form. Of learning about mirrors, about reflections, how where we want to see ourselves isn’t always where we need to be seen. And how what we see outside is Us. Learning to sink back inside when not receiving what we want to receive, to seeing these places as treasure to explore anew.